Top 10 Punk Rock Christmas Songs of All-time





    
     Hold on to your hats (and your wallets/purses for that matter), yesterday’s Thanksgiving dinner is today’s indigestion (what exactly is a giblet anyway?) and the fact that “Christmas is right around the corner” is something we’re all going to have to come to grips with. The bad news is you have to suffer the family, the long lines, and the always awkward present buying decisions; the good news is we threw together a list of the top 10 punk rock Christmas songs of all time to help pass the days until New Years Eve.  After all, who wants to listen to the traditional droll when there are so many bangin' punk rock Xmas tunes out there?


10. Pansy Division- Homo Christmas: Any casual listener would think this mid-tempo song was perfectly innocent, that is until they took the time to pay attention to the lyrics. It’s not so much the homo-erotic subject matter. It’s the overt tongue in cheek (all puns intended) lyrics like “licking nipples, licking nuts, putting candy canes up each other’s butts”. Sure, when played at your holiday shindig your limp-wristed cousin Skip and his new boyfriend Bruce are going to get their groove on under the mistletoe, and that’s cool: but let's just save this gem for after the eggnog has been flowing for a while, for grandma’s sake.....
9. The Pogues - Fairytale of New York: "It was Christmas Eve, babe, in the drunk tank" starts off this story-based duet about a (presumably punk rock) couple's struggle over the holidays. Although the lyrics progress from upbeat and hopeful to scathing and downright hateful, the music itself remains an upbeat little ditty complete with piano, fiddle and a tin whistle.....
 8. Groovie Ghoulies – Christmas on Mars: Planning a getaway over Christmas break this year? To hell with the Caribbean. According to the Ghoulies, Mars is the place to be. You just can't beat a garage recording and light sci-fi lyrical content over the holidays (Star Wars Christmas be damned). Gimme “Christmas on Mars, they don’t got no shopping malls, don’t have to buy no trees…we’ll do just as we please” over Silver Bells any day.....
 7. The Sonics - Don’t Believe in Christmas: Many see the Sonics as the originators of the punk rock sound.  This 1965 jam about a jilted child is a pretty good example of why.....
6. Peter & the Test Tube Babies – I’m Getting Pissed for Christmas: For those unfamiliar with British slang: no the song isn't about the ultimate gift of a golden shower, unless of course you mean peeing on yourself. Pissed equals drunk and with lyrics like "I'm getting pissed for Christmas/just like the rest of the year/There's no future in this lonely world/ so might as well have a beer" it's the perfect musical accompaniment to drinking yourself into oblivion as the rest of the world opens presents.....
5. Fear – Another Christmas Beer: Sure the obvious choice is Fuck Christmas, but it’s been played out to no end and for my money I’m going with Another Christmas Beer. Who can’t relate with all the alcohol-consumption-inspiring-awkward moments that are sure to surface when all the imposing relatives show up (in Lee Ving’s case, the dreaded in-laws).  It’s got all the trimmings with interludes of riffage of Christmas faves like Jingle Bell Rock, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer paired with Fear’s aggressive style.....
4. The Huntingtons – It’s Always Christmas at My House:  The Huntingtons, although just as talented as most of their contemporaries, were one of the lesser known groups in the 90's Ramones-core set and their It's Always Christmas... is one of their best. It's the all too common tale of the creepy neighbor who out of sheer laziness or utter determination refuses to take their Christmas decorations down at any cost.....
3. The Ramones – Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight): Yeah, yeah, I know it’s a gimme and a staple of any punk rock Christmas playlist. The only real surprise is it didn't make #1 on our little list.....
2. The Damned – There Ain’t No Sanity Clause:  Oh how coy, the incognito word play and minimal holiday cheesiness sets this song apart from the rest as a sort of secret Christmas song. For the most part it could pass any time of year if it weren’t for the sleigh bells and the ho-ho-hos at the end of the track. Slip it into any playlist between now and December 25th (without fear of reprisal) you damned scrooge.....
 1. The Dwarves – Drinking Up Christmas: It seems odd that a band that could easily be described as the antithesis of Christmas put out (one of) the best Jolly ol’ jingles this side of the North Pole. But, its greatness is undeniable. Set to the music of Dwarves classic There Better Be Women, this is a tale of a hard boozin’ Santa who goes toe to toe with Frosty the Snowman and rather than bringing presents and joy to the children of the world, the fat man brings the pain.

Not quite enough music for your holiday get-together? Never fear, check out these honorable mentions:

 Bollweevils - White Christmas: the holiday classic performed at double-time.....
 Descendents - Christmas Vacation: Not so much of your festive X-mas tune, but odds are somebody out there reading this is going to experience an unfortunate break-up between now and New Year's, this song's right up your alley.....
 The Dickies- Silent Night: The thick bass line and a little extra finger work on the guitar make this traditional-carol-on-speed stand head and shoulders above other versions.....
 88 Fingers Louie – All I Want for Christmas: We all know the lyrics to this standard but, I wanna know how this damned kid lost his teeth and just how in the hell could he expect somebody to replace them anyway. Fake teeth cost far more than an Xbox 360, screw the teeth, I'd rather play that Left 4 Dead game and re-kill zombies. Chewing is over-rated anyway.....
 The Vandals – Oi to the World (entire album): Sure this could be viewed as cheating, but who else could release an entire album of punk X-mas tunes and get away with it?
 The Vindictives - I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas: A spin on the adolescent yuletide classic whose snotty vocals and overall catchiness is infectious. Be forewarned.....
 The Business – Step into Christmas: Kind of sentimental song as far as sentimental punk Christmas songs go.....
 Blowfly - Blowfly Does XXXmas (album): Musically speaking, not so much on the punk tip but, as the title suggests, this is definitely not a family friendly album as the alter ego of soul singer Clarence Reid would give the late G.G. Allin a run for his money (lyrically anyway). XXXmas finds Blowfly at the height of his vulgarity and that's exactly why we love it. 
Other suggested holiday listening:

 M.D.C. - Black Christmas


Fear - Fuck Christmas 
El Vez – Feliz Navi-nada
The Revillos – Santa Claus is Coming to Town
 Sloppy Seconds – Lonely Christmas
 Less Than Jake – Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer
 The Mighty Mighty Bosstones – This Time of Year

 There you have it, download’em, throw’em on a CD and voila, Christmas is saved you cheap bastards.






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